The Loyal Lover Moves On…

You deserve to be appreciated…It takes two people to make it work…you’ve made good memories with him, but the relationship can’t survive on memories alone…it’s time to put yourself first…more about you, less about him.

This was some of the best advice my sister had given me after a breakup from a relationship. It wasn’t a bitch-fest nor was it a male-bash session. It was a conversation of honesty, wisdom and love.   She heard my thoughts. Since then, her words have always stayed with me, so I pass this love on to you.

The relationship that ended…      Between the both of us, we clearly needed more personal growth in finding ourselves, making decisions and a whole lot more. On the other hand, I always wondered why we never showed true signs that we were ‘grown-ups in a relationship’.

We weren’t perfect but we seemed to have been best friends. Laughed a lot together, shared many of the same family perspectives/views and ideas, but something was still wrong. It appeared that I was more mature than he was…in terms of the fact that I seemed to have always been a few steps ahead of him; thinking futuristically, making plans that included him.

I’ve always been a believer that if someone wanted something and knew it added value to their life, they’d work hard to attain it, despite the obstacles they would face; no excuses …Let’s just say he never caught up. As a result, and mostly due to my fear of being alone, I convinced myself to stay along for the ride because I loved him and was well aware of his potential.

There were many times I agonized over the direction of this relationship because in my mind, certain issues were simple to reverse…fix…improve. Breaking up was the least I expected. I was a loyal lover of patience and support, and did all I could to show I’d be there for him. So why wouldn’t he be inspired to do for me, what I have already done for him is what I continued to think.   Unfortunately, nothing changed.

It seemed as if I was the only one growing up. There was never enough consistency to help me feel more secure in this relationship.   I grew tired and so did he…though I never knew what the hell he could have been tired from.

With that, I was forced to accept the fact that the relationship needed to end. All the excuses said it was time.

We ended. Learning how to move on from this relationship was hard. So many questions ran through my mind — why didn’t he try to fix things? …Why did he listen to other people that suffered from failed/inconsistent relationships or weren’t in a relationship? …Why did we waste so much time together, if we weren’t going to grow in a positive direction? My list of questions seemed never-ending. However, I had to accept that the answers wouldn’t get any better than what they were. I had to move on, no matter how tough things seemed.

This relationship scenario is typical for many women. Letting go is the hardest, which is why women often ‘stick it out’ for so long, but are sadly “forced” to make the hard decision to walk away.   After letting go, there’s a struggle to look up, and see all the greatness waiting to happen in our lives.

Through all that I have experienced, I wanted to share what has helped me move forward. I hope this encourages other women experiencing similar situations.

My advice to loyal lovers:

  1. Self-preservation: Be the beautiful lady you are, and move on.       Sometimes you have to bow out of the relationship. Even when you don’t want to, in hope that he will wake up…just leave, girl.  Don’t go crazy on him, don’t stalk him and don’t ask him the same questions over and over…trust me, I know. Just wake-up. If you’ve already waited forever and a day… don’t give him another day of your life. He’s not worth it.
  2. Journal your thoughts:   IT’S THERAPY!!!!!
  3. No male bashing: In the beginning of my breakup, I admit having to ask some of my best girlfriends to forgive me for bashing my ex in several of our conversations. I made it a habit to talk about him quite often. (If you’re doing this, STOP IT!! Keep a lot of this business to yourself…or save it for the journal!)  He was definitely on my #%$!-list. But ladies, bitterness gets you nowhere.  Bashing your ex can lead to lack of progress in moving on. Don’t worry; be happy – You’ll be surprised at how much happiness you’ll find in the little things you start to experience in your life…or already have in your life, but never paid attention to.
  4. Acknowledge day-by-day victories: Set constant goals. Make a plan that will help you achieve these goals. Use a calendar to mark off each day of victory that you complete an important goal/task, used positive self-reflection, that you didn’t send your ex a text or call him (you’ll really be proud of yourself for this goal, as it will give you more strength to move on.)
  5. Dare yourself to live outside your comfort zone: Grow-up.  Stop being too comfortable and afraid to make change. It’s probably what got you in the negative relationship situation to begin with; but whatever, you live and you learn.   It goes with the saying…’When God wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable’.  Listen to Him, even when it seems so hard to.   He’ll never steer you wrong. What he has for you, is/will be for you.
  6. Get a New attitude: Don’t be selfish, but make the effort to develop the genuine, new attitude that ‘it’s all about ME’. It’s been long overdue for you.  Time to make the change. Self-appreciation will set a new level of unapologetic standards and expectations for future relationships.